Not since Beyonce released “Work it Out” have I had a girl crush this potent. A lioness by the name of Caitlin Moran has stolen my heart. I’ll concede that her name isn’t as catchy as Beyonce but she’s just as fierce. She is a British writer,screen writer and “person from the telly” whose books have made me spit a biscuit out in laughter, and you know how I love biscuits!
She had published “How to be a Woman” 4 years hence before I got my hands on it. My copy was bought by a stranger who, presumably read it, then donated it to a charity shop. It was bought from there by a friend of mine,who in turn donated it to me with the following description “it’s a funny, leave it by the toilet and dip in and out of it kind of a book”.
Within the first few pages I was hooked and so the much thumbed copy never made it to our bathroom. The book is a proclamation about why feminism is for absolutely everyone which sounds dry but is not in the least. It had me actually spluttering with laughter. Between the parts about why feminism is wonderful her tales about the joys of masturbating, libraries and pubic hair among other things kept my hanging on her every word. There are many people I wouldn’t recommend this book (it’s not really a mother-in-law type recommendation) but I loved every page of it! The book made me want to go for drinks with her and started my ever growing girl crush on her.
In reality, going for drinks with her would be fraught with anxiety. I am certain I would pretend to like the same drinks as her so as to give her the illusion that we have so much in common and set the tone for the evening. Given though really we’ve nothing in common. I’m an only child and she’s from a huge family, she knows tonnes about music, I was raised on Meatloaf and The Monkees. Even the fact that we live in different countries is tricky so I will have very little ground to convince her we should be soul mates. Therefore copying her drink order is key to my wooing her. Although she would probably order gin and then I’d be forced to pretend I like it which is a big ask because gin is revolting but for my one true girl crush I would probably manage to drink a few.
So with the complications of the drinks order somewhat sorted she could talk the ear off me, I would wee myself with laughter and the rest of my life would be spent reliving the stories she told me time and time again.
Although in truth we would probably never be friends. She’s far too big a personality, I’d never get a word in edge-ways and while I’d bask in the glory of her wit and investigate that grey streak in her hair up close after that I’m sure long term our friendship would probably not be on the cards.
But back to fiction, when it came to reading her newest book How to Build a Girl I knew nothing about it but picked it up because it had Caitlin’s name on it. The same way that I buy anything with the word chocolate on it, you just know it’s going to be good. I’ll admit I was disappointed at the start. I had wanted the book to be the exact same as How to be a Woman, the story of her life,feminism mixed with witticisms but instead I got some fiction about a girl named Johanna Morrigan,
The path of Johanna’s life seems so close to Caitlin’s and so I spent much of the time trying to figure out which parts were based on real life and what was purely fictional. Not knowing Caitlin in real life made this a difficult and unrewarding task. She stringently says that it’s fiction but the tales of a horny teenager who goes to work for a music magazine while urgently seeking out sex sounds so like the woman I found in How to be a Woman that it’s hard to separate the two.
Once I repeated to myself “this one is fiction” numerous times before reading it then I came to enjoy it. I grew to like Johanna even though, or maybe because, she’s a bit of a teenage twat. I awed at the size of her huge family and her relationship with her brother Kris who she adores. As an only child stories of huge families and sibling bonds fascinate me, like magical distant lands where everything seems more wondrous and full of cake than it might really be.
Despite the fact that I didn’t tear through How to Build A Girl with any great speed I’d still pass it on a friend with the proviso “It’s worth reading even when your not on the toilet “. I sentence I hope she doesn’t read before we go for imaginary gin.
Since I have already binged watched her and her sister’s sitcom Raised by Wolves I will show my love for her by re-watching it and all the extra clips, randomly google her name, reading everything she has every written or said and pressing refresh until Season 2 of Raised by Wolves comes to my laptop screen. A perfectly good way to work on my girl crush I think.